Geez Louise, life can be a whirlwind of emotions and I don’t just mean depending on a significant circumstance or from year to year or even month to month. I’m talking from one second to the next- literally. With. No. Warning.

Second 1: my mouth is curved up in an unyielding smile, eyes wide with energy and excitement. I’m changing clothes to go for a run feeling ecstatic with my body and proud at how athletic I am. Confidence bulging out of every muscle. Heck, I could outrun Road Runner if I wanted to.  The world is my oyster! Now fast-forward to- oh wait, no DeLorean needed, it’s just the next second.

Second 2: my spine is curved down hunched over, downing a 1/2 gallon carton of Breyer’s Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, immoveable like a caveman ravenously scarfing his first meal into his mouth after days of hunting; tears streaming down my face feeling helpless, hopeless and unworthy. No wonder my therapist recommend I up my sessions. “So- Tiffany, it might be a good idea to see a therapist twice a week to really breakthrough. Or maybe even three times.” she says. Then, throwing in last minute, “…at least in the beginning.” As if this were enough to mask her true feeling of, ‘this girl is cray, cray.’

I say all of this with the lightest of heart- at least for THIS second. In this moment, I AM feeling worthy, excited and confident. I wish I could say it was the endless bags-of-chips-and-ice-cream-binge-eating contests I’d have with myself or the soliloquies of lament I’d perform curled up in a fetal position on my bed. 

And as deceptively enjoyable as all that seems, don’t be fooled. In fact, really all it’s good for is throwing you further down into the spiraling depths of sadness and misery.

So, what actually brought me out of this seemingly incessant pull into the black void? Exactly the opposite:

CONNECTION.

Well, REconnection more exactly. I believe, out of the womb, innately we are SO connected to everything. I mean if you’ve ever spent even just 20 minutes with any baby, nothing proves more true than this. Every little sound and image captivates, entices, amuses them. They hold fixated on any given object for minutes at a time, intensely observing every detail and crevice of your face and eyes. If this isn’t connection I don’t know what is.

Then, ironically after years of conditioning and molding the best defenses against just that- connection; holy hell is it scary to connect with people. But wow the feeling of ecstasy sure trumps any amount of rush I’d get from shoveling ice cream down my throat.

For me, my entry back to connection this time was through dance. Now as much as it’s about dance for me, it transcends so much more than that.  Yes, it represents connection and reconnection on all sorts of levels: reconnecting to my body, reconnecting to the Earth, to music, reconnecting to my confidence, reigniting the flame I had blown out from years of self-doubt and not exercising what feeds my heart and soul. However, most significantly as I tapped back into a community, it brought back my sense of importance, my sense of belonging and worthiness. That I was good enough to be a part of people and that they cared and valued me. It was this REconnection to people that finally kept me out of the ice cream aisle.

“Being with one’s self”or alone and connecting with nature is extremely beneficial and necessary to a large degree however I believe, through my own experience, the thing most frightening is being connected to people- human beings. So whenever I find myself at the doorstep of despair,  I muster up my self-love talk of  “Tiffany you are important” and put my focus on someone around me. Whether it’s down the street I make eye contact with someone, genuinely smile and say hello, or I get to know someone and his or her story while waiting in the grocery store line or at a gas station. Maybe I call up a friend or family member I haven’t spoken to in months or even years and just be invested in learning about their life and share my life equally with them. These genuine human encounters feed me the healthy dose of connection my being needs, despite how enticing a non-healthy dose of ice cream may be.

Perhaps give it a try- just once. Maybe start with a “Hi, how’s your day going?” to a co-shopper in the grocery store line and just be curious to see how things unfold. No expectations…the sky’s the limit! #happyconnecting